Thanks for Giving

Sorry that I haven't gotten the video up yet. Something is wrong with it and it's fighting me tooth and nail. I won't do what I want it to do and it was going crazy at some points...really crazy.

But in any case, I'll try to get it up. I want to film some more, but hopefully around less woods and more people. I went to Dr. Frey's office on Tuesday for a session with him and met his two daughters. Holy crap, what sweethearts! Justine and Juliette are so kind and so wonderful that I felt safe with them. I would have opened up to them if I could, but their pleased father ushered me into his office.

"How are you, Elizabeth?" he asked, "And I mean it. How are you?"

My voice was tight, "Not good. I've just been so utterly stressed and sad that it's overwhelming. I haven't had a moment's peace of mind for a while now. It's just eating me alive."

"The last we spoke you were raving about a Tall Man, and I have to admit, in my desperation I acted very well out of line. I hope you can forgive my slip up."

"It's not a problem. I understand."

"Good, good. But you were talking about the black thing that Catherine 'saw' a while back. Have you been seeing it at all recently?" he leaned forward and I shook my head.

I shifted in my chair and said, "No, I haven't. But something strange happened when I was taking a walk...on Catherine's birthday. I had a breakdown and asked her to forgive me for not acting sooner and stuff. Then I, ah, walked some more and saw this robin, this poor thing was on this rock altar all bloodied and surrounded by glass and mirror shards. It was just--I can't describe how creeped out I was."

Dr. Frey blanched at the description, "What in Heaven's name was that all about? Who would do something like that, in a park trail no less where children might see? It seems just...too strange."

"I know, right? But I kept walking, and I felt this sense of being unwelcome, like I had just walked into someone's home uninvited and just wandered around the place. It got so bad I just ran out of there. And would you believe the whole park was empty? It was still kind of early, so it was so strange. I had my camera with me and, well, I heard the sound of people whispering to one another. I couldn't get out much of what they were saying, though."

The doctor collected himself and nodded, "Elizabeth, it was good of you to get out and take a walk. I commend you for doing something to improve yourself. However, after thinking about it, maybe the bird was a prop and the blood was fake? Many teenagers find humor in shocking others. The talking was either some mild auditory hallucination or even people who hid out of sight."

"But I didn't see anyone. And--and there was distortion on my camera when those things happened. "

He wiped his glasses on his sleeve, and returned them to their casing. "It's called a coincidence, Elizabeth. Please understand that you might be overanalyzing things due to Catherine's death. She saw and heard something that didn't exist, so you are inappropriately hyper vigilant for anything that resembles it, if only to tell yourself that Catherine didn't have an illness that needed to be treated. You aren't honoring her memory by doing this, Elizabeth. Focus on her, on her life with you, and don't be afraid to find the strength to move on."

As I listened to him I bowed my head and stared at my sneakers, tears forming in my eyes. Before I even knew it I covered my face in my hands and cried.

"I want her back! I want my Catherine back!" I wailed.

Dr. Frey got out of his chair and rubbed my back, soothing me and handing me tissue after tissue. I don't remember what he said, I was crying to loud to hear properly, but I appreciated every single word. I wish I could say I felt a gigantic weight lift off of me, but I did feel small pieces of it come off. Baby steps.

I wiped my eyes and blew my nose, admittedly very loudly. "I think that's enough for today, Elizabeth." he said in a calm tone. "How about we continue a few weeks from now, is that alright? I know you're in school so I want to make sure that an appointment doesn't conflict with your schedule."

I mumbled that it would be good and made an appointment.As I walked out Juliette and Justine were there, hugging me and asking what was wrong. I damn near almost cried again from just how caring they were. I said my goodbyes and walked back to my car, feeling better but not completely well.

I'm going to get there.

[EDIT: the final time I tried to edit the video something bizarre happened: during the last frames I heard something I didn't before: low, dark laughter. After that the video just...suddenly deleted itself. I have no idea what that was or if I'm going crazy. Hopefully I can do more videos without insane stuff going on. Preferably not around woods.)

The Walk

Something strange happened on the day I took my walk. You noticed that I didn't do my usual birthday post on the 20th, Catherine's birthday. I decided I needed to get some fresh air and clear my head, despite the fact that this anxiety refuses to budge.

I drove to the park listening to my music player, but other than the sounds of my favorite artists I was completely silent. I parked my car and ignored the sounds of happy children playing. I decided to walk down one of the many wooded paths the park had to offer. As I wandered aimlessly, I finally collapsed onto my knees and cried, long and hard, on the forest floor. I didn't care if someone saw or heard me--I needed this. I begged Catherine to forgive me, I begged her to not be dead and to come back, I apologized over and over again to the empty autumn air. After what seemed like hours, I got up, dusted myself off, and continued walking.

I found, nestled beneath a big oak, an eerie shrine that reminded me too much of the white tree. On this stone altar I saw a dead robin surrounded by bloodies glass and mirrors. The poor thing looked like it had struggled before its untimely death. More of those strange, unknown words were seemingly carved onto the rocks. Understandably, I backed away from it and kept walking. Yet after seeing that morbid display, I felt like I was being watched, not by a single person, but by many. I got this unsettling feeling that I was an uninvited guest in an inhospitable home. Eventually I became so uncomfortable that I just left.

Have you ever gotten the feeling that you were being followed, even though when you turn around there is no one there? I couldn't shake that even if I tried, and when I reached the mouth of the forest I was surprised to see the park deserted. It was barely three o' clock and it shouldn't have been this...empty.

I ran to my car and raced home.

I recorded what happened on my camera, but something's wrong with the video. Some parts are distorted and I can almost make out human speech at some parts. This is insane.

Unprepared

Catherine's birthday is on the 20th. I'm not ready for it.

Her parents are moving out of the county--they said that they just couldn't stay here anymore. Mrs. Moore told me how much she wished I could have been her daughter in law. They're leaving after her birthday to northern Jersey, and I feel that their leaving is just making everything worse.

My girls aren't dealing with Catherine's death any better than I am. A few days ago when I carpooled with Florence and Naomi one of Catherine's favorite songs came on the radio. Florence immediately shut it off and I heard Naomi begin to cry. Her tears were infectious: Florence and I began to sob as well.

During a spontaneous trip to the mall, Rebecca, Vivian and I just barely got to shopping before we saw this beautiful purple dress. It would have fit Catherine like a glove. I just couldn't deal with it any more. I just collapsed right there in the busy mall and the poor girls had to nearly carry me out. I felt terrible for ruining what should have been a pleasant day. But they weren't looking any better than I was.

Everywhere we go something reminds us of Catherine. I've failed her.

I've been trying to move on, but time isn't making things better. It's just making this irreparable wound fester. Dr. Frey told me that this was normal and that I would eventually heal from it. How? How can I heal from this? How can I move on knowing that the love of my life was probably kidnapped, held against her will and then was either driven to suicide or straight up murdered? Time will ever heal this.

I need to take a long walk.

Happy Birthday, Rebecca!

Happy Friday the 13th, girlie. I know you're not superstitious, but damn, we just couldn't help but make some jokes about it. Thanks for asking about how I was doing, even though you could tell I was lying through my teeth. It was your special day, and I didn't want to ruin it. Did you like the gardening tips book we got you? Now's the time for planting any seeds you want in your beloved garden, so use that to the best of your ability.

A Call From Dr. Frey

I apologize for not updating either my blog or my video channel all that much. I've been pretty depressed for a long while and it doesn't look like it's going away any time soon. I don't want to be a broken record, since you all know what's been going on.

Nine days after the funeral, Dr. Frey called me on my cell to see how I was. He was very concerned about me, asking various questions about my mental state.

"I know that this is all so troubling for you, Elizabeth," he said calmly. "I did everything I could to help her, everything and more. This tragedy is weighing heavily on my mind, as well. The only solace in any of this is that she is at peace. Catherine told me that you're a firm believer in Heaven, so here is what I want you to do: turn to your faith for comfort. Pray for her and yourself.

"Dr. Frey," I said weakly, "Do you think that there is something that we're missing? Maybe it wasn't a suicide at all; maybe someone killed her. I can't believe that she would do such a thing."

"Killed her?" he repeated, "no, I don't believe so. It's unfortunate to say, but it is an open and shut case of suicide. She most likely drove off long enough to get out of the state, then probably hitchhiked her way across the country to Arizona. She was emaciated, wasn't she? Her deteriorating mind must have turned against her and...well..." Dr. Frey didn't finish the sentence.

I continued, "But they never found the knife that she used. Why is that? And why go to Arizona, of all places?"

"I can't answer those questions, and as for the knife, it is curious that it wasn't recovered. The police searched the place high and low and found nothing, I heard. The wound on her belly still remains unexplained. Everyone is puzzled by it, even the police. But cases like these happen, Elizabeth. I can't guess as to who did it or why. Perhaps a wild animal? Yes, that could be it. Though I'm too unfamiliar with that area to make a proper assessment." the doctor finished.

Tears forming in my eyes quickly as I swallowed a lump in my throat. "What do you think about the creature Catherine was seeing? I know that she was going as far as to draw the damn thing, over and over and over again.

"I can tell you this: there is no Fear Dubh. No Tall Man, no...whatever people want to call it. It's all fiction, products of an overactive imagination. Catherine was seriously ill and hallucinating this thing."

"But I think I saw it, too!"

He paused for a moment,"How recently was this? Have you seen it since?"

"I saw it before Catherine...went away. It was standing under the streetlight, though it wasn't doing anything. I haven't seen it since then, though."

"Elizabeth, listen to me. I don't want you to forget Catherine and all the good times you had with her, but I do want you to forget about this Fear Dubh. It's a made up boogeyman invented by frustrated parents to keep their children from misbehaving. Anyone who claims to have seen it is either looking for attention or in dire need of psychiatric help. Please don't drive yourself mad trying to put the pieces together," he pleaded with me. "Focus on yourself, on your friends and family. On your education!"

"I will, I promise. But there's something else I need to tell you. At the wake and funeral, I saw three strange looking women. I never saw them before until then. What do you think of that?"

The doctor let out a long sigh, "They were most likely death enthusiasts. You know the type: go to funerals, wear all black, write poetry pertaining to how useless life is. I'm sure they do this all the time. They didn't cause a riot, did they?"

"No, thank God. They just stood there, watching it all happen."

"Well then, I recommend that you forget about those girls. If they didn't cause trouble, then it's for the best you put them out of your thoughts. And your seeing this black creature only tells me that Catherine's illness must have affected you in some way, a foile a deux, if you will. If this happens again, call me and I'll have someone pencil in an appointment."

I nodded, "Alright, I'll make sure to remember that. Even though I'm still curious about whatever Catherine was obsessing over. I'm still trying to find that book she bought."

"Elizabeth, I'm being completely serious. Don't go chasing fairy tales." he was very stern, adamant that I not do any more research on it. "You won't find anything and you'll only be wasting your time."

"Okay. I won't, Doctor. Thanks for yo--"

"Don't do it."

"Alright, I understand. Thank you the--"

"Don't."

"Okay! I get it, Doctor. I'll...I'll  forget about it."

"You're very welcome. I have to get going now, another patient is due in ten minutes. We'll talk another time, alright? Have a lovely day and think positive."

And with that, the call ended.

Three Women

Here is the video that I promised to put out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XL_OotuunU8

The women that I saw were very strange and very quiet. They didn't say a word or interact with anyone, but I did see them smirk a few times.

It seemed that my girls and I were the only ones who noticed them. Florence said that she should've gone and talked to them, if only to find out what their deal was. I wanted to, as well, but I just didn't have the energy to do much of anything but mourn.

Update

It's been almost a full week since the wake and funeral, and I haven't been doing too well. I've been in a nigh catatonic state, depressed beyond belief and even thought of suicide.

However, I just can't find it in me to actually do it. I have family and friends who are still alive and still love me, and it would kill them if I died as well.

The Moores are absolutely devastated. Those poor people, to lose their only child like that. Their eyes were so dead and empty, they barely registered any emotion at all other than sadness. And there isn't much I can do to comfort them.

I did record myself after I returned home, and I will put it up soon. I've just been trying to find my footing again