Unprepared

Catherine's birthday is on the 20th. I'm not ready for it.

Her parents are moving out of the county--they said that they just couldn't stay here anymore. Mrs. Moore told me how much she wished I could have been her daughter in law. They're leaving after her birthday to northern Jersey, and I feel that their leaving is just making everything worse.

My girls aren't dealing with Catherine's death any better than I am. A few days ago when I carpooled with Florence and Naomi one of Catherine's favorite songs came on the radio. Florence immediately shut it off and I heard Naomi begin to cry. Her tears were infectious: Florence and I began to sob as well.

During a spontaneous trip to the mall, Rebecca, Vivian and I just barely got to shopping before we saw this beautiful purple dress. It would have fit Catherine like a glove. I just couldn't deal with it any more. I just collapsed right there in the busy mall and the poor girls had to nearly carry me out. I felt terrible for ruining what should have been a pleasant day. But they weren't looking any better than I was.

Everywhere we go something reminds us of Catherine. I've failed her.

I've been trying to move on, but time isn't making things better. It's just making this irreparable wound fester. Dr. Frey told me that this was normal and that I would eventually heal from it. How? How can I heal from this? How can I move on knowing that the love of my life was probably kidnapped, held against her will and then was either driven to suicide or straight up murdered? Time will ever heal this.

I need to take a long walk.

Anxiety

I had a severe anxiety attack on June 11, the day Catherine and I were to be married a year ago. I didn't have to go to the hospital or anything, but it was like nothing I've ever had before. I was just sitting on my bed when suddenly I couldn't breath. My entire body as shaking and I felt like I was going to collapse. There was this weird feeling of being overheated and frozen at the same time.

It lasted for nine minutes, which to me felt like a never ending hell. After I finally calmed down I got myself a glass of water and listened to some soothing music, which helped a ton. Even though it was three days ago, it still haunts me. I honestly felt like I was going to die.