2014 is upon us, sooner than I thought. Every new year seems like it comes quicker than the last one. It's freaky how every future becomes the present, and how every present becomes the past. In a way it's almost maddening. I wore purple in honor of Catherine and the year she would never see. I tried calling her parents to wish them a happy new year, but they didn't pick up. I feel bad for them and I miss them terribly. I hope 2014 is kind to them.
On Christmas day I found a folded up piece of paper with my name on it taped to the front door. I already got a sense of dread before I even opened it. I nearly choked on my own air when I saw what it was.
[edit: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8kILY6ZFFkk the video.]
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Winter Blues
Vivian dragged me out to the mall a few days ago, saying that it was more than time to get into the Christmas spirit and. I was surprised to see the rest of the gang loitering in the Cold Stone Creamery.
None of this is easy on anyone, and I appreciated what they did. We hacked around, playing with the cosmetics, trying on the clothes, listening to the cheerful music. Hell, we even joked about going to see Santa. It never materialized due to the long as hell line, but watching the kids' eyes light up when they get to tell the big guy what they want was magic in and of itself.
I had forgotten to tell them about my dream, but at that moment it didn't matter. Nightmares had no place there.
Christmas will be strange, though. Catherine is never going to come through that door, smiling and in her best outfit, to spend the holiday together. The Moores have long since move away and I haven't heard from them in a while. I don't blame them, honestly. I most likely remind them of the life they could have had. I want to wish them a merry Christmas.
Please, I beg of everyone: don't take your loved ones for granted. I know you get those words probably all the time, because it's true. I would give anything to have my Catherine back.
So I want to wish everyone a Happy Christmahanakwanzikamas.
None of this is easy on anyone, and I appreciated what they did. We hacked around, playing with the cosmetics, trying on the clothes, listening to the cheerful music. Hell, we even joked about going to see Santa. It never materialized due to the long as hell line, but watching the kids' eyes light up when they get to tell the big guy what they want was magic in and of itself.
I had forgotten to tell them about my dream, but at that moment it didn't matter. Nightmares had no place there.
Christmas will be strange, though. Catherine is never going to come through that door, smiling and in her best outfit, to spend the holiday together. The Moores have long since move away and I haven't heard from them in a while. I don't blame them, honestly. I most likely remind them of the life they could have had. I want to wish them a merry Christmas.
Please, I beg of everyone: don't take your loved ones for granted. I know you get those words probably all the time, because it's true. I would give anything to have my Catherine back.
So I want to wish everyone a Happy Christmahanakwanzikamas.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Wake the Dreamer
Last night I had a pretty intense dream. The kind that you honestly think is real and you can't believe it's happening.
I was in the forest, walking calmly along what could have passed for a path, if there wasn't so much brush in the way. However, I knew the entire time that something was following me, yet I kept walking as if nothing was wrong. I heard whispers from all around me, and this time I could make out what they were saying:
"Her?"
"Her."
"Yes."
"Embrace it."
"...across space and time..."
"Don't fear [???] happens is the will of [???]."
"...darkness, grime and gloom..."
"...come, let us..."
I began to feel like I was suffocating; the more I walked the more I felt like I should run. But dreams are dreams and they have laws you can't break. I raised my head and saw...people, hundreds of them, standing as if they were statues. I couldn't make out their expressions though I walked passed them easily.
But the moment I got passed more than a dozen I felt a burning cold hand grab my upper arm and drag me back. The still people began to move, their faces ugly and frightening as they descended upon me.
My heart jolted me awake and I spent the rest of the night awake. The back of my head tingled like someone was running their long fingers through the wrinkles of my brain.
What was that?
I was in the forest, walking calmly along what could have passed for a path, if there wasn't so much brush in the way. However, I knew the entire time that something was following me, yet I kept walking as if nothing was wrong. I heard whispers from all around me, and this time I could make out what they were saying:
"Her?"
"Her."
"Yes."
"Embrace it."
"...across space and time..."
"Don't fear [???] happens is the will of [???]."
"...darkness, grime and gloom..."
"...come, let us..."
I began to feel like I was suffocating; the more I walked the more I felt like I should run. But dreams are dreams and they have laws you can't break. I raised my head and saw...people, hundreds of them, standing as if they were statues. I couldn't make out their expressions though I walked passed them easily.
But the moment I got passed more than a dozen I felt a burning cold hand grab my upper arm and drag me back. The still people began to move, their faces ugly and frightening as they descended upon me.
My heart jolted me awake and I spent the rest of the night awake. The back of my head tingled like someone was running their long fingers through the wrinkles of my brain.
What was that?
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Thanks for Giving
Sorry that I haven't gotten the video up yet. Something is wrong with it and it's fighting me tooth and nail. I won't do what I want it to do and it was going crazy at some points...really crazy.
But in any case, I'll try to get it up. I want to film some more, but hopefully around less woods and more people. I went to Dr. Frey's office on Tuesday for a session with him and met his two daughters. Holy crap, what sweethearts! Justine and Juliette are so kind and so wonderful that I felt safe with them. I would have opened up to them if I could, but their pleased father ushered me into his office.
"How are you, Elizabeth?" he asked, "And I mean it. How are you?"
My voice was tight, "Not good. I've just been so utterly stressed and sad that it's overwhelming. I haven't had a moment's peace of mind for a while now. It's just eating me alive."
"The last we spoke you were raving about a Tall Man, and I have to admit, in my desperation I acted very well out of line. I hope you can forgive my slip up."
"It's not a problem. I understand."
"Good, good. But you were talking about the black thing that Catherine 'saw' a while back. Have you been seeing it at all recently?" he leaned forward and I shook my head.
I shifted in my chair and said, "No, I haven't. But something strange happened when I was taking a walk...on Catherine's birthday. I had a breakdown and asked her to forgive me for not acting sooner and stuff. Then I, ah, walked some more and saw this robin, this poor thing was on this rock altar all bloodied and surrounded by glass and mirror shards. It was just--I can't describe how creeped out I was."
Dr. Frey blanched at the description, "What in Heaven's name was that all about? Who would do something like that, in a park trail no less where children might see? It seems just...too strange."
"I know, right? But I kept walking, and I felt this sense of being unwelcome, like I had just walked into someone's home uninvited and just wandered around the place. It got so bad I just ran out of there. And would you believe the whole park was empty? It was still kind of early, so it was so strange. I had my camera with me and, well, I heard the sound of people whispering to one another. I couldn't get out much of what they were saying, though."
The doctor collected himself and nodded, "Elizabeth, it was good of you to get out and take a walk. I commend you for doing something to improve yourself. However, after thinking about it, maybe the bird was a prop and the blood was fake? Many teenagers find humor in shocking others. The talking was either some mild auditory hallucination or even people who hid out of sight."
"But I didn't see anyone. And--and there was distortion on my camera when those things happened. "
He wiped his glasses on his sleeve, and returned them to their casing. "It's called a coincidence, Elizabeth. Please understand that you might be overanalyzing things due to Catherine's death. She saw and heard something that didn't exist, so you are inappropriately hyper vigilant for anything that resembles it, if only to tell yourself that Catherine didn't have an illness that needed to be treated. You aren't honoring her memory by doing this, Elizabeth. Focus on her, on her life with you, and don't be afraid to find the strength to move on."
As I listened to him I bowed my head and stared at my sneakers, tears forming in my eyes. Before I even knew it I covered my face in my hands and cried.
"I want her back! I want my Catherine back!" I wailed.
Dr. Frey got out of his chair and rubbed my back, soothing me and handing me tissue after tissue. I don't remember what he said, I was crying to loud to hear properly, but I appreciated every single word. I wish I could say I felt a gigantic weight lift off of me, but I did feel small pieces of it come off. Baby steps.
I wiped my eyes and blew my nose, admittedly very loudly. "I think that's enough for today, Elizabeth." he said in a calm tone. "How about we continue a few weeks from now, is that alright? I know you're in school so I want to make sure that an appointment doesn't conflict with your schedule."
I mumbled that it would be good and made an appointment.As I walked out Juliette and Justine were there, hugging me and asking what was wrong. I damn near almost cried again from just how caring they were. I said my goodbyes and walked back to my car, feeling better but not completely well.
I'm going to get there.
[EDIT: the final time I tried to edit the video something bizarre happened: during the last frames I heard something I didn't before: low, dark laughter. After that the video just...suddenly deleted itself. I have no idea what that was or if I'm going crazy. Hopefully I can do more videos without insane stuff going on. Preferably not around woods.)
But in any case, I'll try to get it up. I want to film some more, but hopefully around less woods and more people. I went to Dr. Frey's office on Tuesday for a session with him and met his two daughters. Holy crap, what sweethearts! Justine and Juliette are so kind and so wonderful that I felt safe with them. I would have opened up to them if I could, but their pleased father ushered me into his office.
"How are you, Elizabeth?" he asked, "And I mean it. How are you?"
My voice was tight, "Not good. I've just been so utterly stressed and sad that it's overwhelming. I haven't had a moment's peace of mind for a while now. It's just eating me alive."
"The last we spoke you were raving about a Tall Man, and I have to admit, in my desperation I acted very well out of line. I hope you can forgive my slip up."
"It's not a problem. I understand."
"Good, good. But you were talking about the black thing that Catherine 'saw' a while back. Have you been seeing it at all recently?" he leaned forward and I shook my head.
I shifted in my chair and said, "No, I haven't. But something strange happened when I was taking a walk...on Catherine's birthday. I had a breakdown and asked her to forgive me for not acting sooner and stuff. Then I, ah, walked some more and saw this robin, this poor thing was on this rock altar all bloodied and surrounded by glass and mirror shards. It was just--I can't describe how creeped out I was."
Dr. Frey blanched at the description, "What in Heaven's name was that all about? Who would do something like that, in a park trail no less where children might see? It seems just...too strange."
"I know, right? But I kept walking, and I felt this sense of being unwelcome, like I had just walked into someone's home uninvited and just wandered around the place. It got so bad I just ran out of there. And would you believe the whole park was empty? It was still kind of early, so it was so strange. I had my camera with me and, well, I heard the sound of people whispering to one another. I couldn't get out much of what they were saying, though."
The doctor collected himself and nodded, "Elizabeth, it was good of you to get out and take a walk. I commend you for doing something to improve yourself. However, after thinking about it, maybe the bird was a prop and the blood was fake? Many teenagers find humor in shocking others. The talking was either some mild auditory hallucination or even people who hid out of sight."
"But I didn't see anyone. And--and there was distortion on my camera when those things happened. "
He wiped his glasses on his sleeve, and returned them to their casing. "It's called a coincidence, Elizabeth. Please understand that you might be overanalyzing things due to Catherine's death. She saw and heard something that didn't exist, so you are inappropriately hyper vigilant for anything that resembles it, if only to tell yourself that Catherine didn't have an illness that needed to be treated. You aren't honoring her memory by doing this, Elizabeth. Focus on her, on her life with you, and don't be afraid to find the strength to move on."
As I listened to him I bowed my head and stared at my sneakers, tears forming in my eyes. Before I even knew it I covered my face in my hands and cried.
"I want her back! I want my Catherine back!" I wailed.
Dr. Frey got out of his chair and rubbed my back, soothing me and handing me tissue after tissue. I don't remember what he said, I was crying to loud to hear properly, but I appreciated every single word. I wish I could say I felt a gigantic weight lift off of me, but I did feel small pieces of it come off. Baby steps.
I wiped my eyes and blew my nose, admittedly very loudly. "I think that's enough for today, Elizabeth." he said in a calm tone. "How about we continue a few weeks from now, is that alright? I know you're in school so I want to make sure that an appointment doesn't conflict with your schedule."
I mumbled that it would be good and made an appointment.As I walked out Juliette and Justine were there, hugging me and asking what was wrong. I damn near almost cried again from just how caring they were. I said my goodbyes and walked back to my car, feeling better but not completely well.
I'm going to get there.
[EDIT: the final time I tried to edit the video something bizarre happened: during the last frames I heard something I didn't before: low, dark laughter. After that the video just...suddenly deleted itself. I have no idea what that was or if I'm going crazy. Hopefully I can do more videos without insane stuff going on. Preferably not around woods.)
Monday, November 4, 2013
The Walk
Something strange happened on the day I took my walk. You noticed that I didn't do my usual birthday post on the 20th, Catherine's birthday. I decided I needed to get some fresh air and clear my head, despite the fact that this anxiety refuses to budge.
I drove to the park listening to my music player, but other than the sounds of my favorite artists I was completely silent. I parked my car and ignored the sounds of happy children playing. I decided to walk down one of the many wooded paths the park had to offer. As I wandered aimlessly, I finally collapsed onto my knees and cried, long and hard, on the forest floor. I didn't care if someone saw or heard me--I needed this. I begged Catherine to forgive me, I begged her to not be dead and to come back, I apologized over and over again to the empty autumn air. After what seemed like hours, I got up, dusted myself off, and continued walking.
I found, nestled beneath a big oak, an eerie shrine that reminded me too much of the white tree. On this stone altar I saw a dead robin surrounded by bloodies glass and mirrors. The poor thing looked like it had struggled before its untimely death. More of those strange, unknown words were seemingly carved onto the rocks. Understandably, I backed away from it and kept walking. Yet after seeing that morbid display, I felt like I was being watched, not by a single person, but by many. I got this unsettling feeling that I was an uninvited guest in an inhospitable home. Eventually I became so uncomfortable that I just left.
Have you ever gotten the feeling that you were being followed, even though when you turn around there is no one there? I couldn't shake that even if I tried, and when I reached the mouth of the forest I was surprised to see the park deserted. It was barely three o' clock and it shouldn't have been this...empty.
I ran to my car and raced home.
I recorded what happened on my camera, but something's wrong with the video. Some parts are distorted and I can almost make out human speech at some parts. This is insane.
I drove to the park listening to my music player, but other than the sounds of my favorite artists I was completely silent. I parked my car and ignored the sounds of happy children playing. I decided to walk down one of the many wooded paths the park had to offer. As I wandered aimlessly, I finally collapsed onto my knees and cried, long and hard, on the forest floor. I didn't care if someone saw or heard me--I needed this. I begged Catherine to forgive me, I begged her to not be dead and to come back, I apologized over and over again to the empty autumn air. After what seemed like hours, I got up, dusted myself off, and continued walking.
I found, nestled beneath a big oak, an eerie shrine that reminded me too much of the white tree. On this stone altar I saw a dead robin surrounded by bloodies glass and mirrors. The poor thing looked like it had struggled before its untimely death. More of those strange, unknown words were seemingly carved onto the rocks. Understandably, I backed away from it and kept walking. Yet after seeing that morbid display, I felt like I was being watched, not by a single person, but by many. I got this unsettling feeling that I was an uninvited guest in an inhospitable home. Eventually I became so uncomfortable that I just left.
Have you ever gotten the feeling that you were being followed, even though when you turn around there is no one there? I couldn't shake that even if I tried, and when I reached the mouth of the forest I was surprised to see the park deserted. It was barely three o' clock and it shouldn't have been this...empty.
I ran to my car and raced home.
I recorded what happened on my camera, but something's wrong with the video. Some parts are distorted and I can almost make out human speech at some parts. This is insane.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Unprepared
Catherine's birthday is on the 20th. I'm not ready for it.
Her parents are moving out of the county--they said that they just couldn't stay here anymore. Mrs. Moore told me how much she wished I could have been her daughter in law. They're leaving after her birthday to northern Jersey, and I feel that their leaving is just making everything worse.
My girls aren't dealing with Catherine's death any better than I am. A few days ago when I carpooled with Florence and Naomi one of Catherine's favorite songs came on the radio. Florence immediately shut it off and I heard Naomi begin to cry. Her tears were infectious: Florence and I began to sob as well.
During a spontaneous trip to the mall, Rebecca, Vivian and I just barely got to shopping before we saw this beautiful purple dress. It would have fit Catherine like a glove. I just couldn't deal with it any more. I just collapsed right there in the busy mall and the poor girls had to nearly carry me out. I felt terrible for ruining what should have been a pleasant day. But they weren't looking any better than I was.
Everywhere we go something reminds us of Catherine. I've failed her.
I've been trying to move on, but time isn't making things better. It's just making this irreparable wound fester. Dr. Frey told me that this was normal and that I would eventually heal from it. How? How can I heal from this? How can I move on knowing that the love of my life was probably kidnapped, held against her will and then was either driven to suicide or straight up murdered? Time will ever heal this.
I need to take a long walk.
Her parents are moving out of the county--they said that they just couldn't stay here anymore. Mrs. Moore told me how much she wished I could have been her daughter in law. They're leaving after her birthday to northern Jersey, and I feel that their leaving is just making everything worse.
My girls aren't dealing with Catherine's death any better than I am. A few days ago when I carpooled with Florence and Naomi one of Catherine's favorite songs came on the radio. Florence immediately shut it off and I heard Naomi begin to cry. Her tears were infectious: Florence and I began to sob as well.
During a spontaneous trip to the mall, Rebecca, Vivian and I just barely got to shopping before we saw this beautiful purple dress. It would have fit Catherine like a glove. I just couldn't deal with it any more. I just collapsed right there in the busy mall and the poor girls had to nearly carry me out. I felt terrible for ruining what should have been a pleasant day. But they weren't looking any better than I was.
Everywhere we go something reminds us of Catherine. I've failed her.
I've been trying to move on, but time isn't making things better. It's just making this irreparable wound fester. Dr. Frey told me that this was normal and that I would eventually heal from it. How? How can I heal from this? How can I move on knowing that the love of my life was probably kidnapped, held against her will and then was either driven to suicide or straight up murdered? Time will ever heal this.
I need to take a long walk.
Friday, September 13, 2013
Happy Birthday, Rebecca!
Happy Friday the 13th, girlie. I know you're not superstitious, but damn, we just couldn't help but make some jokes about it. Thanks for asking about how I was doing, even though you could tell I was lying through my teeth. It was your special day, and I didn't want to ruin it. Did you like the gardening tips book we got you? Now's the time for planting any seeds you want in your beloved garden, so use that to the best of your ability.
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