Catherine's birthday is on the 20th. I'm not ready for it.
Her parents are moving out of the county--they said that they just couldn't stay here anymore. Mrs. Moore told me how much she wished I could have been her daughter in law. They're leaving after her birthday to northern Jersey, and I feel that their leaving is just making everything worse.
My girls aren't dealing with Catherine's death any better than I am. A few days ago when I carpooled with Florence and Naomi one of Catherine's favorite songs came on the radio. Florence immediately shut it off and I heard Naomi begin to cry. Her tears were infectious: Florence and I began to sob as well.
During a spontaneous trip to the mall, Rebecca, Vivian and I just barely got to shopping before we saw this beautiful purple dress. It would have fit Catherine like a glove. I just couldn't deal with it any more. I just collapsed right there in the busy mall and the poor girls had to nearly carry me out. I felt terrible for ruining what should have been a pleasant day. But they weren't looking any better than I was.
Everywhere we go something reminds us of Catherine. I've failed her.
I've been trying to move on, but time isn't making things better. It's just making this irreparable wound fester. Dr. Frey told me that this was normal and that I would eventually heal from it. How? How can I heal from this? How can I move on knowing that the love of my life was probably kidnapped, held against her will and then was either driven to suicide or straight up murdered? Time will ever heal this.
I need to take a long walk.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Friday, September 13, 2013
Happy Birthday, Rebecca!
Happy Friday the 13th, girlie. I know you're not superstitious, but damn, we just couldn't help but make some jokes about it. Thanks for asking about how I was doing, even though you could tell I was lying through my teeth. It was your special day, and I didn't want to ruin it. Did you like the gardening tips book we got you? Now's the time for planting any seeds you want in your beloved garden, so use that to the best of your ability.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
A Call From Dr. Frey
I apologize for not updating either my blog or my video channel all that much. I've been pretty depressed for a long while and it doesn't look like it's going away any time soon. I don't want to be a broken record, since you all know what's been going on.
Nine days after the funeral, Dr. Frey called me on my cell to see how I was. He was very concerned about me, asking various questions about my mental state.
"I know that this is all so troubling for you, Elizabeth," he said calmly. "I did everything I could to help her, everything and more. This tragedy is weighing heavily on my mind, as well. The only solace in any of this is that she is at peace. Catherine told me that you're a firm believer in Heaven, so here is what I want you to do: turn to your faith for comfort. Pray for her and yourself.
"Dr. Frey," I said weakly, "Do you think that there is something that we're missing? Maybe it wasn't a suicide at all; maybe someone killed her. I can't believe that she would do such a thing."
"Killed her?" he repeated, "no, I don't believe so. It's unfortunate to say, but it is an open and shut case of suicide. She most likely drove off long enough to get out of the state, then probably hitchhiked her way across the country to Arizona. She was emaciated, wasn't she? Her deteriorating mind must have turned against her and...well..." Dr. Frey didn't finish the sentence.
I continued, "But they never found the knife that she used. Why is that? And why go to Arizona, of all places?"
"I can't answer those questions, and as for the knife, it is curious that it wasn't recovered. The police searched the place high and low and found nothing, I heard. The wound on her belly still remains unexplained. Everyone is puzzled by it, even the police. But cases like these happen, Elizabeth. I can't guess as to who did it or why. Perhaps a wild animal? Yes, that could be it. Though I'm too unfamiliar with that area to make a proper assessment." the doctor finished.
Tears forming in my eyes quickly as I swallowed a lump in my throat. "What do you think about the creature Catherine was seeing? I know that she was going as far as to draw the damn thing, over and over and over again.
"I can tell you this: there is no Fear Dubh. No Tall Man, no...whatever people want to call it. It's all fiction, products of an overactive imagination. Catherine was seriously ill and hallucinating this thing."
"But I think I saw it, too!"
He paused for a moment,"How recently was this? Have you seen it since?"
"I saw it before Catherine...went away. It was standing under the streetlight, though it wasn't doing anything. I haven't seen it since then, though."
"Elizabeth, listen to me. I don't want you to forget Catherine and all the good times you had with her, but I do want you to forget about this Fear Dubh. It's a made up boogeyman invented by frustrated parents to keep their children from misbehaving. Anyone who claims to have seen it is either looking for attention or in dire need of psychiatric help. Please don't drive yourself mad trying to put the pieces together," he pleaded with me. "Focus on yourself, on your friends and family. On your education!"
"I will, I promise. But there's something else I need to tell you. At the wake and funeral, I saw three strange looking women. I never saw them before until then. What do you think of that?"
The doctor let out a long sigh, "They were most likely death enthusiasts. You know the type: go to funerals, wear all black, write poetry pertaining to how useless life is. I'm sure they do this all the time. They didn't cause a riot, did they?"
"No, thank God. They just stood there, watching it all happen."
"Well then, I recommend that you forget about those girls. If they didn't cause trouble, then it's for the best you put them out of your thoughts. And your seeing this black creature only tells me that Catherine's illness must have affected you in some way, a foile a deux, if you will. If this happens again, call me and I'll have someone pencil in an appointment."
I nodded, "Alright, I'll make sure to remember that. Even though I'm still curious about whatever Catherine was obsessing over. I'm still trying to find that book she bought."
"Elizabeth, I'm being completely serious. Don't go chasing fairy tales." he was very stern, adamant that I not do any more research on it. "You won't find anything and you'll only be wasting your time."
"Okay. I won't, Doctor. Thanks for yo--"
"Don't do it."
"Alright, I understand. Thank you the--"
"Don't."
"Okay! I get it, Doctor. I'll...I'll forget about it."
"You're very welcome. I have to get going now, another patient is due in ten minutes. We'll talk another time, alright? Have a lovely day and think positive."
And with that, the call ended.
Nine days after the funeral, Dr. Frey called me on my cell to see how I was. He was very concerned about me, asking various questions about my mental state.
"I know that this is all so troubling for you, Elizabeth," he said calmly. "I did everything I could to help her, everything and more. This tragedy is weighing heavily on my mind, as well. The only solace in any of this is that she is at peace. Catherine told me that you're a firm believer in Heaven, so here is what I want you to do: turn to your faith for comfort. Pray for her and yourself.
"Dr. Frey," I said weakly, "Do you think that there is something that we're missing? Maybe it wasn't a suicide at all; maybe someone killed her. I can't believe that she would do such a thing."
"Killed her?" he repeated, "no, I don't believe so. It's unfortunate to say, but it is an open and shut case of suicide. She most likely drove off long enough to get out of the state, then probably hitchhiked her way across the country to Arizona. She was emaciated, wasn't she? Her deteriorating mind must have turned against her and...well..." Dr. Frey didn't finish the sentence.
I continued, "But they never found the knife that she used. Why is that? And why go to Arizona, of all places?"
"I can't answer those questions, and as for the knife, it is curious that it wasn't recovered. The police searched the place high and low and found nothing, I heard. The wound on her belly still remains unexplained. Everyone is puzzled by it, even the police. But cases like these happen, Elizabeth. I can't guess as to who did it or why. Perhaps a wild animal? Yes, that could be it. Though I'm too unfamiliar with that area to make a proper assessment." the doctor finished.
Tears forming in my eyes quickly as I swallowed a lump in my throat. "What do you think about the creature Catherine was seeing? I know that she was going as far as to draw the damn thing, over and over and over again.
"I can tell you this: there is no Fear Dubh. No Tall Man, no...whatever people want to call it. It's all fiction, products of an overactive imagination. Catherine was seriously ill and hallucinating this thing."
"But I think I saw it, too!"
He paused for a moment,"How recently was this? Have you seen it since?"
"I saw it before Catherine...went away. It was standing under the streetlight, though it wasn't doing anything. I haven't seen it since then, though."
"Elizabeth, listen to me. I don't want you to forget Catherine and all the good times you had with her, but I do want you to forget about this Fear Dubh. It's a made up boogeyman invented by frustrated parents to keep their children from misbehaving. Anyone who claims to have seen it is either looking for attention or in dire need of psychiatric help. Please don't drive yourself mad trying to put the pieces together," he pleaded with me. "Focus on yourself, on your friends and family. On your education!"
"I will, I promise. But there's something else I need to tell you. At the wake and funeral, I saw three strange looking women. I never saw them before until then. What do you think of that?"
The doctor let out a long sigh, "They were most likely death enthusiasts. You know the type: go to funerals, wear all black, write poetry pertaining to how useless life is. I'm sure they do this all the time. They didn't cause a riot, did they?"
"No, thank God. They just stood there, watching it all happen."
"Well then, I recommend that you forget about those girls. If they didn't cause trouble, then it's for the best you put them out of your thoughts. And your seeing this black creature only tells me that Catherine's illness must have affected you in some way, a foile a deux, if you will. If this happens again, call me and I'll have someone pencil in an appointment."
I nodded, "Alright, I'll make sure to remember that. Even though I'm still curious about whatever Catherine was obsessing over. I'm still trying to find that book she bought."
"Elizabeth, I'm being completely serious. Don't go chasing fairy tales." he was very stern, adamant that I not do any more research on it. "You won't find anything and you'll only be wasting your time."
"Okay. I won't, Doctor. Thanks for yo--"
"Don't do it."
"Alright, I understand. Thank you the--"
"Don't."
"Okay! I get it, Doctor. I'll...I'll forget about it."
"You're very welcome. I have to get going now, another patient is due in ten minutes. We'll talk another time, alright? Have a lovely day and think positive."
And with that, the call ended.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Three Women
Here is the video that I promised to put out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XL_OotuunU8
The women that I saw were very strange and very quiet. They didn't say a word or interact with anyone, but I did see them smirk a few times.
It seemed that my girls and I were the only ones who noticed them. Florence said that she should've gone and talked to them, if only to find out what their deal was. I wanted to, as well, but I just didn't have the energy to do much of anything but mourn.
The women that I saw were very strange and very quiet. They didn't say a word or interact with anyone, but I did see them smirk a few times.
It seemed that my girls and I were the only ones who noticed them. Florence said that she should've gone and talked to them, if only to find out what their deal was. I wanted to, as well, but I just didn't have the energy to do much of anything but mourn.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Update
It's been almost a full week since the wake and funeral, and I haven't been doing too well. I've been in a nigh catatonic state, depressed beyond belief and even thought of suicide.
However, I just can't find it in me to actually do it. I have family and friends who are still alive and still love me, and it would kill them if I died as well.
The Moores are absolutely devastated. Those poor people, to lose their only child like that. Their eyes were so dead and empty, they barely registered any emotion at all other than sadness. And there isn't much I can do to comfort them.
I did record myself after I returned home, and I will put it up soon. I've just been trying to find my footing again
However, I just can't find it in me to actually do it. I have family and friends who are still alive and still love me, and it would kill them if I died as well.
The Moores are absolutely devastated. Those poor people, to lose their only child like that. Their eyes were so dead and empty, they barely registered any emotion at all other than sadness. And there isn't much I can do to comfort them.
I did record myself after I returned home, and I will put it up soon. I've just been trying to find my footing again
Friday, July 19, 2013
Arizona
A part of me doesn't want to do this. A part of me doesn't even want to repeat what I know, just because it is so wrong.
But you've all been there for me, so I suppose I owe you this.
These cross-country explorers found her in the long abandoned Seneca Lake Trading Post. According to them, they were going in to take some pictures and film silly stuff when they were overcome by the stench of death. One of the braver members of the group went into the dining hall and found my Catherine, face up in an ocean of blood. After calming down they called the police, who sealed off the area and then called Mrs. Moore. The explorer crew admitted to the police that they had taken pictures out of sick curiosity; obviously the cops told them to hand the pictures over once they were developed.
I'm not sure if I want to see them.
What was truly disturbing were how she died: the police say that Catherine had slit her own throat with a seven inch blade, which killed her within mere seconds. But there was one other wound: a deep and long cut across her stomach, so much so that someone was able to reach into her body and mess around with her organs. Surprisingly and unsettlingly, not a single one was missing. To add salt to the wound her precious engagement ring was gone.
Just writing that made me physically ill. Who would do that to someone as sweet as Catherine?
The wake is today and the funeral tomorrow. Maybe I will compose myself just enough to make a video, but no promises.
But you've all been there for me, so I suppose I owe you this.
These cross-country explorers found her in the long abandoned Seneca Lake Trading Post. According to them, they were going in to take some pictures and film silly stuff when they were overcome by the stench of death. One of the braver members of the group went into the dining hall and found my Catherine, face up in an ocean of blood. After calming down they called the police, who sealed off the area and then called Mrs. Moore. The explorer crew admitted to the police that they had taken pictures out of sick curiosity; obviously the cops told them to hand the pictures over once they were developed.
I'm not sure if I want to see them.
What was truly disturbing were how she died: the police say that Catherine had slit her own throat with a seven inch blade, which killed her within mere seconds. But there was one other wound: a deep and long cut across her stomach, so much so that someone was able to reach into her body and mess around with her organs. Surprisingly and unsettlingly, not a single one was missing. To add salt to the wound her precious engagement ring was gone.
Just writing that made me physically ill. Who would do that to someone as sweet as Catherine?
The wake is today and the funeral tomorrow. Maybe I will compose myself just enough to make a video, but no promises.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Announcement
On July 7, Mrs. Moore called to tell me the news I had been dreading to hear: Catherine had been found dead across the country in Arizona. Though she didn't give me the exact length of time she had been lying dead there, Mrs. Moore did say that it had been a while. I broke down then and there, throwing the phone and screaming myself hoarse.
I lost my best friend, my soul mate, my twin flame, my fiancée. I lost someone I will never get back. I lost a piece of myself. Mrs. Moore also had to call the rest of my friends, and it's been a spiraling nightmare.
I don't know if I want to go into detail as who how she died...it's quite brutal. Maybe when the news has processed I will share it, but the police believe that it was a suicide.
The wake and funeral will be in a few days, but the police still have no leads as to what lead up to her death.
I also decided to use YouTube as a way of talking to you all, in memory of our original plan. Thank you all for reading this blog, though I might still have use for it, I suppose.
The first video is found here: http://www.youtube.com/
I lost my best friend, my soul mate, my twin flame, my fiancée. I lost someone I will never get back. I lost a piece of myself. Mrs. Moore also had to call the rest of my friends, and it's been a spiraling nightmare.
I don't know if I want to go into detail as who how she died...it's quite brutal. Maybe when the news has processed I will share it, but the police believe that it was a suicide.
The wake and funeral will be in a few days, but the police still have no leads as to what lead up to her death.
I also decided to use YouTube as a way of talking to you all, in memory of our original plan. Thank you all for reading this blog, though I might still have use for it, I suppose.
The first video is found here: http://www.youtube.com/
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